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Single on Valentines…

I have never been one for celebrating Valentine’s Day. Being very British and reserved I really struggle with too much PDA or mushy, lovey, dovey (for want of a better word) crap. Seriously my favourite Valentines present was a Mcdonald’s breakfast in bed. Don’t get me wrong I love a good bunch of flowers or book/stationary related gift as much as the next girl but I don’t see why there has to be a specific day on which to be given these. Love isn’t limited to a single day it’s a year round thing.

I suppose it’s ironic then that I have somehow wound up with Valentine’s day off. Even more ironic that for the last three years I was actually in a relationship I was either working a double or in a separate country from my boyfriend. Last year I went out drinking the night before with friends, came home in the early hours of the morning, got up and went to work a double shift and got back home in the middle of the night, I made my boyfriend a card at work and I gave him a balloon and chocolates that were left over from work (sometimes I think I make a terrible girlfriend).

Awkwardly the majority of my friends are in relationships and have plans, and the rest, well the rest are working. It looks like I won’t just be spending Valentine’s single but also completely alone.

So what am I going to do this Valentine’s day alone? Well I’m going to enjoy my day off. I’m going to have a lie in and enjoy my breakfast with a good book, I’m going to go for a run and maybe go see a movie, maybe go take my laptop to a coffee shop for the afternoon or just curl up and watch Netflix. To be honest it doesn’t really matter. February the 14th is after all just another day, another day in a limited amount we get given, and even more importantly one of my limited amounts of days off. So what I am going to do is enjoy it.

And I have so much love in my life. Let’s not get hung up on all the connotations, not get depressed if you’re single, feel pressured if you’re in a relationship or strung up if you’re in between. Let’s just take a moment to stop and be grateful for all that we love and for all the love we have in our lives, and then lets get on and enjoy the hell out of the day.

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When someone you love dies it throws a new perspective on life…

I have been selfish this summer. I have been so wrapped up in the silliness of boy drama and work drama and gossip and worrying about what is going to happen next to appreciate what really matters.

Last week we lost our beloved Granny. Whilst I was dancing and drinking my summer away she was feeling sicker and sicker until finally she checked herself into a hospital and we discovered the worst. Pancreatic cancer. Nothing they could do. And the end came almost too quickly to believe. 

This is real heartbreak.

And what is left are all those missed moments, those times I could have spent with her but didn’t because I was too wrapped up in my own giddy life. 

But there is nothing to gain from dwelling on these. Instead it is time to focus on all the little moments we shared…
The first time I performed on stage in the village pantomime she sent me flowers “because an actress should always have flowers”

She taught me to ride my bike without stabilisers and then cycled it into the rose bush herself.

We always went to the library to pick out books, I was obsessed with Enid Blyton, one summer staying at hers I devoured the entire secret seven series in a week.

When I was little we baked so many cakes, fairy buns with white lemon icing. Between her and my mummy I learnt all my baking skills.

She stood behind me at my mummy’s funeral and comforted me whilst I broke down. 

She sent me cards on every occasion, every performance, every exam passed, every new home, every milestone.

It is these fleeting moments, these little gestures that make life. We need to appreciate every one of them, stop focusing on the what ifs and the silly things that go wrong and just live in these little moments. Because that’s all life is really just lots of and lots of small moments and before you know it they’re gone.  

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‘500 Days of Summer’ is the best movie to fix your broken heart…

A couple of months back I wrote a post about how I was falling for someone and I promised to keep you updated, well here is the update, it crashed and burned.

A could have been relationship is the hardest of them all. The giddy glimmer of potential, and the glimpse of a possible future is followed by the slow dawning realisation that that never really existed and it never will. It’s almost more heartbreaking than the ending of a real relationship because there are so many what ifs, there’s the constant nagging idea that this could have been amazing but somehow it just never made it.

It’s a sickening feeling, there was something you could almost grasp and you let it slip through your fingertips. And I have spent the last few weeks trying desperately not to feel so damn miserable. Last night I curled up in bed with a cup of tea and watched ‘500 days of Summer’ for the first time in forever and seriously it helped.

I stated previously I wanted the kind of love you see in the movies or read about in books, but turns out even in movies those loves sometimes don’t work out. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows sometimes it’s messy and complicated and you get knocked down. This film is a reminder that finding your soulmate isn’t the be all end all of life. So a relationship didn’t work out, so you got your heartbroken wallow a little, then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on there’s more out there for you. It takes Tom losing Summer to finally quit his job and follow his dreams of becoming an architect, so it doesn’t have to be something quite so life changing, but you get the point even from the shittiest situations good things can come.

Despite the film being about a relationship that never makes it, it is still so full of hope. As Summer says “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” A point very much proved when we see Tom meet Autumn at the end of the film.

So yes be sad, you’re allowed to be, but grab a cup of tea (or a glass of vodka) curl up watch this film and remember that there is always hope, life will work out one way or another just hang in there and try to enjoy the journey.

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Falling in love is horrible…

A few months ago when I was talking a friend through my breakup she told me my ex was likely heartbroken, in response I told her that the next guy I was with would probably end up breaking my heart in return. How much I regret those words now.

You see I recently started seeing someone, it’s a little complicated but he makes me happy and I am falling for him. Head over heels, movie style falling for him. But as amazing as it is when we’re together I don’t know where it is going or if he feels the same way, and that thought, that it’s my turn to get my heartbroken is hanging over me constantly.

I broke up with my ex for a whole number of reasons but largely because I wasn’t in love with him. I loved him of course but I want, as silly and idealistic as it sounds, a love that consumes me, the kind you do see in movies or read about in books. I know now that I was never really in love with my ex because the feelings I have now are completely new and completely awful. In between moments of giddy hysteria there are so many tears, I can’t keep up with my own mood swings. My appetite has gone (although to be fair it wasn’t that great to start with), I’ve stopped sleeping properly and I have become a paranoid wreck.

The thing is normally the people I want, the people I yearn for never even come close to being mine. The last few relationships I’ve had, I’ve not wanted the person until I’ve already got them. This guy I have wanted but never thought I could have and now I’ve had a piece of him I want him so much more. And this feeling is terrifying.

Part of me wants to run screaming for the hills before my heart ends up being shattered and I have to pick the broken pieces of me up off the floor, but the other part of me thinks what if? This could be amazing, this could be everything I want, he could be everything I want.

The heart is a complicated mess. I hate, hate, hate this feeling but at the same time I want it. I want to feel like this because whilst it’s horrible it’s full of hope and possibility. This is the feeling of standing on the edge of the cliff and jumping you could crash and burn or you could fly.

The truth is we have no control over our heart. I have no idea where this is going and all I can do is trust, that everything will work out ok, that my heart is resilient and that even if it shatters I’ll survive. Here’s hoping for the best!

I’ll keep you posted xxx