‘500 Days of Summer’ is the best movie to fix your broken heart…

A couple of months back I wrote a post about how I was falling for someone and I promised to keep you updated, well here is the update, it crashed and burned.

A could have been relationship is the hardest of them all. The giddy glimmer of potential, and the glimpse of a possible future is followed by the slow dawning realisation that that never really existed and it never will. It’s almost more heartbreaking than the ending of a real relationship because there are so many what ifs, there’s the constant nagging idea that this could have been amazing but somehow it just never made it.

It’s a sickening feeling, there was something you could almost grasp and you let it slip through your fingertips. And I have spent the last few weeks trying desperately not to feel so damn miserable. Last night I curled up in bed with a cup of tea and watched ‘500 days of Summer’ for the first time in forever and seriously it helped.

I stated previously I wanted the kind of love you see in the movies or read about in books, but turns out even in movies those loves sometimes don’t work out. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows sometimes it’s messy and complicated and you get knocked down. This film is a reminder that finding your soulmate isn’t the be all end all of life. So a relationship didn’t work out, so you got your heartbroken wallow a little, then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on there’s more out there for you. It takes Tom losing Summer to finally quit his job and follow his dreams of becoming an architect, so it doesn’t have to be something quite so life changing, but you get the point even from the shittiest situations good things can come.

Despite the film being about a relationship that never makes it, it is still so full of hope. As Summer says “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” A point very much proved when we see Tom meet Autumn at the end of the film.

So yes be sad, you’re allowed to be, but grab a cup of tea (or a glass of vodka) curl up watch this film and remember that there is always hope, life will work out one way or another just hang in there and try to enjoy the journey.


Why Autumn is going to be fantastic…

We all know I love a good list, especially when I need to get a little life perspective or need cheering up. So here is the latest of my cheer the fuck up lists for anyone who is missing summer, terrified of how fast 2017 is going or is generally a little down in the dumps. Autumn is going to be fantastic because…

  1. Boots and Scarfs. My two favourite clothing items are my black Topshop ankle boots and my Hufflepuff scarf and it is officially cold enough to bring them out of their summer hibernation, the excitement is unreal. Maybe these particular clothing items may not appeal to you, but you have to admit autumn offers us all the opportunity to bring back out some of our favourite clothing items, cosy knits, coats and hats galore!
  2. Hot Drinks. I love my morning coffee to get my brain in gear and an evening treat of tea and biscuits for dunking but in summer I just can’t face hot drinks. Don’t get me wrong I love an iced coffee as much as the next girl but its no substitute for the real thing. One of the real joys in life is picking up a cup of coffee on the way to work and wrapping your hands around it to keep you warm.
  3. Autumn TV. September brings an end to the summer of trashy reality shows filling the screens (although if I’m honest I still miss Love Island) and kicks off a season of high quality dramas, period dramas and of course The Great British Bake Off. Yes there’ll be no more evenings drinking in parks or pub gardens but instead we can curl up in front of the tv and watch people bake cakes!
  4. Tourist season is over. For those of us who live in London it will never truly be quiet but the hoards of tourists who descend upon the city during the summer months have decreased dramatically which means I can finally walk down streets without wanting to scream “get out of the way” at all the people blocking my route. It also means that theatres are much quieter and therefore I can finally get my hands on cheap tickets for all the shows I want to see.
  5. Winter Walks. There’s always that awesome bonfire smell lingering in the air, the trees look so pretty, the air has that crisp freshness to it and there’s always a great pile of leaves to crunch your way through. Walks in Autumn are truly the most satisfying.
  6. Party season is upon us. There’s Halloween, bonfire night (my birthday) and Christmas all just around the corner, whilst summer drinking is fun in its own way everyone knows the best parties come at the end of the year!

So cheer up guys, 2017 is not over yet the best 4 months are still to come and they’re going to be great!


How to stop self destructing…

I am an expert at self destructing. When feelings get too much or too messy I throw myself full pelt into life. James Dean’s famous “live fast die young” catchphrase is a motto I tend to live by. Yet at 26 the funny stories are tainted with a little bit of sadness and the consequences are that much bigger. Instead of logically facing problems I run headfirst into destruction mode, subsequently destroying something when I could have tried to save it.

This weekend, after yet another drunken night with yet more stupid descisions made, my friend told me plainly that I’d reached tipping point, it was time to step back and start making responsible descisions. The problem though is how do I do that, I have spent an entire summer at full speed ahead, how do I put the brakes on and slow the hell down? 

I love a good list so here we have my action plan to stop self destructing…

1) Start looking after your body. My job has ridiculous hours and this summer I have worked all of them, which means sleep is a distant memory and my diet consists of the menu at my restaurant and whatever food I can pick up on my way to and from work. It goes without saying too little sleep and junk food at strange hours of the day and night are not going to help your emotional state. From now on I vow to get at least 6 hours sleep per night and eat 3 actual meals a day which will (shock) include fruit and vegetables!

2) Get a hobby outside of work (and not Netflix) My whole life currently consists of working, partying and crashing in front of Netflix. I need to get back to doing some of the things I love. Pick up a book, go to the cinema, go to a museum or the theatre. 

3) Write more. I don’t know if it works for everyone but for me writing everything down really helps to clear my mind. Thoughts tend to swirl around my brain, I overthink everything, get confused and work myself up into a silly state, by writing things down it helps to put things into perspective and untangle the jumbled mess that is my brain.

4) Get a project. From January through to July a large part of my time was taken up with preparations for Kilimanjaro and I think having that focus kept me a little sane. Don’t get me wrong I don’t intend to take on quite such a big challenge, but having something to focus on and work towards should keep the boredom at bay and give me something to distract myself with other than alcohol!

5) Drink less. An obvious one but nonetheless important. Alcohol is not the answer and in my case almost always leads to bad decisions. Luckily (although not really) my bank account is currently so poor it’s crying, so I cannot actually afford to drink for a while (yey)!

6) Laugh a lot. I fully believe that laughter is the best medicine and as long as you keep laughing and keep seeing the funny side of life you can’t go far wrong. 


The end of summer sucks…

There’s a particular feeling as summer comes to an end. A kind of nostalgic sadness. Even though I don’t have school or university to return to and my daily routine will alter very little, if at all there’s still a sense of something ending and reality returning.

Here’s how my summer started out, London was hot, I was happily single, I was off on a great adventure to climb a giant mountain, I had ridiculous work hours but a great group of work mates and a constant stream of social events, we drank in parks till we got locked in, went for after work drinks and stayed out till 7am, I started seeing a guy I had a huge crush on. Life was giddy, spontaneous, full speed ahead.

Now August has drawn to an end, it’s raining, the nights are shorter, the tourist crowds have disappeared and work is suddenly less intense, the summer romance has ended in tears and it’s like reality has suddenly come crashing in. 

It’s a summer I will look back on as completed madness and in spite of the lack of sleep, the crazy work schedule and the teenage levels of drama and heartbreak, as an absolute blast. It reminded me I am still so young I still have so much fun and so many great adventures to come. 

But although I am sad and mourning the end of those crazy days it is as they say the case of one door closing and another opening. This summer I remembered who I am, I had fun, I discovered who my real friends were, I moved out of the flat I had moved into with my ex and took a step into the next chapter of my life. So fear not summer lovers the arrival of autumn just heralds the next chapter, hopefully one with a little more sleep and a little less work, but one that I intend to enjoy every minute of nonetheless. 

Thank you summer 2017 for being insane and fabulous! Hello Autumn 2017 may you be just as much fun! 


What I learned climbing Kilimanjaro…

It has taken me a while to write this post because how on earth do you put into words the experience of climbing 5895 meters to the top of the world’s highest freestanding mountain? It was at once the best and worst experience of my life. Horrendous altitude sickness, physical and mental exhaustion all faded away at the sheer exhilaration of reaching the summit and watching the sunrise on the world. It is something that I will never ever forget and it’s impact on me will be a permanent one. Here is what I discovered whilst climbing to the rooftop of Africa…

  1. The body is incredible, it can achieve things you never think it could. On summit night we set off at midnight on 2 hours sleep in -15C and we ascended over 1000 meters. 2 hours in and 5000 meters up I sat down and threw up. I had no energy I couldn’t even raise my arms to lift my water bottle to my mouth but somehow I dragged myself up the next 800 meters determined not to give up. And I survived. I may have come back down with a killer headache, numb legs and completely exhausted but my god my body is resilient. I now (and to those who know me this will come as a shock) go running for fun! Because after climbing a mountain a little run through the park is child’s play! 
  2. Running showers and working toliets are the best luxury and I will never ever take them for granted again. After 7 days of washing in a small bowl of lukewarm water and going to the toilet either behind a rock or in a toilet tent I cannot emphasise enough how much I love my shower and toilet!
  3. I am strong. This feeling comes and goes, but whenever I’m having a down moment I have to tell myself I climbed a giant ass mountain I can deal with a silly boy taking advantage of me or a horrible customer at work yelling at me that I ruined their day with cold food. I can achieve incredible things if I want and that’s what I need to hold on to. 
  4. The human spirit is incredible. Our group were climbing with charity challenge we all had stories, had all faced struggles in life and been broken, and we were all dragging ourselves up this mountain for a reason. We were all massively unprepared, a little undertrained and all hit with altitude sickness and other ailments along the way. But we never let it get us down we sang we danced and my god did we laugh. It turns out you can get through pretty much anything with a bit of laughter.  
  5. Never give up on your dreams. (The big one!) I’ve dreamt about climbing Kilimanjaro for so many years now and had the whole trip planned for a good 5 years before I took any steps to booking it, and whilst it may have been horribly tough and at times I wondered what the hell I was doing I cannot describe how happy I am that I did it. I am an expert at wanting to do something or wanting something and not having the courage to chase it, the biggest lesson I learnt is simply to be brave. Go after what you want, life is short and it might not work out but it might just and it could be amazing! 

Falling in love is horrible…

A few months ago when I was talking a friend through my breakup she told me my ex was likely heartbroken, in response I told her that the next guy I was with would probably end up breaking my heart in return. How much I regret those words now.

You see I recently started seeing someone, it’s a little complicated but he makes me happy and I am falling for him. Head over heels, movie style falling for him. But as amazing as it is when we’re together I don’t know where it is going or if he feels the same way, and that thought, that it’s my turn to get my heartbroken is hanging over me constantly.

I broke up with my ex for a whole number of reasons but largely because I wasn’t in love with him. I loved him of course but I want, as silly and idealistic as it sounds, a love that consumes me, the kind you do see in movies or read about in books. I know now that I was never really in love with my ex because the feelings I have now are completely new and completely awful. In between moments of giddy hysteria there are so many tears, I can’t keep up with my own mood swings. My appetite has gone (although to be fair it wasn’t that great to start with), I’ve stopped sleeping properly and I have become a paranoid wreck.

The thing is normally the people I want, the people I yearn for never even come close to being mine. The last few relationships I’ve had, I’ve not wanted the person until I’ve already got them. This guy I have wanted but never thought I could have and now I’ve had a piece of him I want him so much more. And this feeling is terrifying.

Part of me wants to run screaming for the hills before my heart ends up being shattered and I have to pick the broken pieces of me up off the floor, but the other part of me thinks what if? This could be amazing, this could be everything I want, he could be everything I want.

The heart is a complicated mess. I hate, hate, hate this feeling but at the same time I want it. I want to feel like this because whilst it’s horrible it’s full of hope and possibility. This is the feeling of standing on the edge of the cliff and jumping you could crash and burn or you could fly.

The truth is we have no control over our heart. I have no idea where this is going and all I can do is trust, that everything will work out ok, that my heart is resilient and that even if it shatters I’ll survive. Here’s hoping for the best!

I’ll keep you posted xxx



Life is not quite as I thought it would be…

Last summer I thought I had everything figured out. I remember floating through the airport on my way to a weekend in Stockholm with my uni friends thinking my god life is good! I’d just signed a contract for a small flat in London with my boyfriend, I’d just been offered a promotion at work which meant my very first salaried job! Fine it wasn’t my dream job but being promoted to manager in the restaurant I’d worked at for almost 2 years (minus a couple of months where I disappeared to Australia) and had come to love was seriously exciting. 

Fast forward a year and the jobs lost some of its glitter, differences in the management team and a upcoming change of owner has put a dampener on everyone and everything. The boyfriend I broke up with and whilst is for the best it’s a little gutting to realise I’m back to the start all over again and with 30 inching closer and closer my dreams of a perfect wedding and babies seem to be slipping further and further away. And the flat well I’ve struggled on just about maintaining rent and bills on my own but with the contract ending soon and my financial situation I’ll soon have to move everything out of my perfect cosy little home and start again. 

In summary I have no boyfriend, no home, a job that’s rapidly losing its shine and an alarmingly low bank balance. Life at 26 is not all I believed it would be. 

Don’t get me wrong there are so many positives about my life I have great friends, some amazing colleagues, I’m healthy, relatively happy and I live in London (which is, in my opinion, the best city in the world)! 

I guess what I’m trying to say is life’s great but it’s not what I expected, one minute you’re on top of the world the next you’re crying into your cereal. So I’ve taken a step back, and I guess it’s time to start over again. And that’s what this blog is all about figuring out how to be a grownup in a weird weird world!